Having been through divorce, and having seen the light side (freedom from misery and a new start) and the other side (hurts and heartaches on many levels, especially for the children), I am especially grateful that I found Walt and what has been an ever-deepening love.

Yet I know that the part of me that contributed to divorce is embedded in the circuits of my unconscious mind, the emotional brain, so as a work in progress, I'm a big fan of using EBT to do my part to keep my love deepening.

Stresses as opportunities to deepen love

For instance, yesterday Walt and I had a serious difference of opinion, a nice way of saying that Walt said, "Absolutely not!" and the "5ish side of me" thought, "Wanna bet?" Instead I said, "Let's table it for now and figure it out later."

Last night I worked it through in my brain circuitry. I'm in the habit of doing Cycles (also called Spiral Ups) as I drift off to sleep, as any errant wire from a misstep on my part during the day is stored in long-term memory during sleep. I try to clear the clutter nightly so it is not stored in long-term memory, necessitating that I either live with repeated missteps or need to dredge it up at a later date with several Cycles to rewire it. Doing a preventive, "prophylactic Cycle" makes sense.

I cycled on the altercation.

It was a rather clunky Cycle, filled with "but I need to do this," "that is too hard for me," and "I can't possibly disappoint that other person." You know, the usual complicated issues that cause us to feel pulled in all directions and seem impossible to resolve.

The topic was very brief and didn't make sense

My "What I'm most stressed about..." was "It's a mess." Not much is revealed by those three words, but they got the job done. My unconscious mind knew precisely what hodgepodge of issues was involved.

As usual, it was the expression of strong emotions that followed that helped me turn the corner into being One-ish. The "Anger Procedure" was strong and on topic enough to put my thinking brain back online. Then by using the rest of the lead-ins, the Cycle cleared enough of the stress hormones and turned that "emotional blockade" into "flowing feelings" that sorted out my inner conflicts.

I didn't have to think – I just knew

My body gave me trusted signs that I was at One, a warmth in my chest and that tingle in my hands and feet. In about two minutes, I had created a radical change in mindset. My whole body was relaxed, and what came to mind were three words and a deep knowing: "How Walt feels matters to me."

The essential pain that I had to accept – that I must displease a social acquaintance and most of all, face that "I don't always get my way" – was easy. My rewards? There were two: integrity and intimacy. I felt the glow.

Deepening the love, Cycle by Cycle

In Couples EBT ("Relationship Reset") which is being tested by EBT Master Trainers now and will be available to members before long, relationship changes are 50-50 propositions. It takes two to cause hurt and disconnection, and only one person who is EBT skilled and at One to change the dynamic.

Each interaction either strengthens the relationship (raises the Set Point of the relationship) or weakens it (lowers the Set Point). It is Set Point 1 relationships that deliver an abundance of emotional connection, sensual and sexual pleasure, and loving companionship,

Relationships may die or become boring or dangerous through a thousand disconnections (emotional small cuts), allowing those 5-ish moments to go unresolved. Yet there is great news, as the brain over-remembers any unexpectedly rewarding experience. The dopamine from the stress followed by a reward is that powerful.

A bold and meaningful deepening of love comes one Cycle at a time. Before spiraling up, I wanted to have my way. After clearing the stress chemicals, I had clarity. The cognitive chatter and inner conflicts stopped as the emotional flow put all aspects of the issue in proper perspective. It became easy and gratifying to say to Walt, "Sweetheart, how you feel matters to me. About that occasion you didn't want us to attend, I agree, absolutely not! Let's skip it."

What had been a real mess was now a beautiful thing. We hadn't gone looking for a marriage counselor or a therapist. I used the resilience pathways in my own brain with the EBT skills and deepened my love for Walt and my respect for myself.

Relationships are not mysterious, but they are magical. We are all looking for love and respect – and a chance to feel seen, heard, and felt by another. These pathways are gifts from our genes, and all EBT does is give us reliable skills to access them.  

(For information on Relationship Reset, email support@ebt.org.)