Regardless of sexual orientation, the rules of the brain apply when it comes to sex. We want great sex, but what our heart is aching for is to be desired. It's for someone to see us, feel us, and want us so much that they move out of their comfort zone and become authentic, vulnerable, open, and loving, all of course while keeping enough of a boundary to make you hyper-excited!
That's a bit more complicated, or so it seems. Sex therapist David Schnarch sees sexual relationships as people-growing machines, as it takes staying connected to ourselves and to the other person to make sex sizzle, which (of course) brings up the circuits from every time our parent dropped us, every taunt from a bully at school, and each and every lover who rejected us. In essence, when we have sex, it is always having sex "on the couch."
We'll talk a lot about sex in the BBH blog because one of the most rewarding benefits of rewiring faulty circuits is becoming "relationship material" of the highest order. Sex sometimes becomes happily non-existent as a period of celibacy is sometimes right for us. However, more often with the wires ("issues") gone, we start becoming playful, sensually aware, and a bit outrageous. Sex becomes more meaningful and far more fun.
All four of the most common sexual problems for men and women are symptoms of stress, so as your set point rises, sex becomes less distorted and more inviting. When the set point is low, in the 4 t0 5 range, it's nearly impossible for sex not to go to one extreme or another (or perhaps another). It's how the brain works. It starts activating merging and distancing circuits, glitches that tell us we get our safety from such sources as pornography, affairs, or shutting down our natural desire for sexual pleasure.
For now, think of sexual desire as a brain thing, as the most important sexual organ is not our genitals, but the elusive emotional brain, the hotbed of our circuitry. As you become a rewiring superstar, chances are your love life will change in ways that you may not believe possible now. That is the magic of our beautiful unconscious mind – it always keeps us guessing!